So your gut tells you something's wrong. Maybe your friend canceled plans three times this week. Maybe your coworker keeps making vague comments about "not being around much longer." Or maybe your teenager has stopped talking altogether. That icy fear hits - what if they're suicidal? And the million-dollar question: what to say to someone who is suicidal without making things worse?
Look, I've been on both sides of this. Years ago, I froze when a roommate confessed suicidal thoughts. I mumbled something about "it'll get better" and fled. Awful response. Later, when depression hit me like a freight train, I understood why empty phrases hurt. Through counseling training and personal experience, I've learned what actually helps. This isn't theory - it's battle-tested communication for the hardest conversations of your life.
Before You Speak: Setting the Stage
Rushing in unprepared can backfire. I once tried to confront my sister during halftime of a football game. Bad idea. Timing and environment matter.
• Private space without interruptions (turn off notifications!)
• At least 60-90 minutes of uninterrupted time
• When they're moderately calm (not mid-panic attack)
• With an exit strategy if they get overwhelmed
Notice physical cues first. Are they wearing long sleeves in summer? (Could hide cuts) Drastic weight changes? Uncharacteristic neglect of hygiene? My cousin started "gifting" prized possessions before his attempt. These red flags often scream louder than words.
Verbal Warning Signs Most People Miss
Beyond "I want to die," watch for:
• "You won't have to deal with me soon"
• "I'm just a burden"
• "Nothing matters anymore"
• Sudden calm after severe depression (may indicate final decision)
Opening the Conversation: Breaking Through the Silence
My biggest mistake? Beating around the bush. Saying "Are you... you know... sad?" gives them an easy out. Be direct but gentle:
Effective starters:
• "I've noticed you've seemed really down lately, and I'm worried. Are you thinking about suicide?"
• "Some things you've said make me wonder if life feels unbearable right now. Is that true?"
AVOID: "This is just a phase" (invalidates pain)
Their reaction tells you everything. If they freeze or stare, say: "It's okay if you don't want to talk yet. I'm here when you're ready." If they deny but you're still worried: "I believe you, but if those thoughts ever come, promise you'll call me before acting?"
The Do's and Don'ts: What Actually Helps
The internet's full of terrible advice like "Just cheer them up!" Please don't. When I was suicidal, peppy comments felt like mockery. Based on psychological research and lived experience, here's what works:
What to Say to Someone Who Is Suicidal (The Lifelines)
| When They Say... | Bad Responses | Effective Responses |
|---|---|---|
| "I'm worthless" | "That's not true!" | "You feel worthless right now, and that must hurt terribly. Help me understand." |
| "No one cares" | "I care!" (alone) | "I care, AND I'm sorry you feel so alone. Who else in your life might feel this way too?" |
| "I have a plan" | "Don't be stupid!" | "Thank you for telling me. What exactly is your plan?" (Then remove means immediately) |
| "Just leave me alone" | Walking away | "I'll give you space, but I'm texting you in 2 hours to check in. Is that okay?" |
What to Say to Someone Who Is Suicidal: Danger Zone Phrases
| Harmful Phrase | Why It Backfires |
|---|---|
| "Suicide is selfish" | Deepens shame (they already feel burdensome) |
| "Think how sad I'd be" | Guilt-tripping increases emotional load |
| "Others have it worse" | Invalidates their unique pain |
| "Promise me you won't..." | Forces false promises that break trust later |
The golden rule? Validate first. My therapist taught me this script: "You feel [emotion] because [situation]. That makes sense because..." Example: "You feel hopeless because your chronic pain hasn't improved. That makes sense after 18 months of suffering."
Critical Next Steps: Beyond Talking
Talking is step one, but action saves lives. When my friend confessed suicidal thoughts, we immediately:
Professional support is non-negotiable. Offer to:
- Call the crisis line together on speaker
- Drive them to the ER or clinic
- Help research therapists (many offer sliding scales)
Global Crisis Resources At a Glance
| Country | Hotline | Website | Special Features |
|---|---|---|---|
| USA & Canada | 988 or 1-800-273-8255 | suicidepreventionlifeline.org | 24/7 chat, LGBTQ+ specialized counselors |
| UK | 116 123 | samaritans.org | Face-to-face appointments |
| Australia | 13 11 14 | lifeline.org.au | Text service (0477 13 11 14) |
| International | Chat at suicide.org | befrienders.org | Worldwide directory by country |
Navigating Pushback
"I don't need help." "Stop overreacting." Prepare for resistance. Responses I've used:
Situation: They refuse therapy
Say: "What if we just do one session? I'll come with you and get pizza after."
Situation: They're angry you intervened
Say: "I'd rather you be mad at me than dead. When you're safer, we can discuss how this felt."
What Not to Do After the Conversation
Don't:
• Gossip about their situation (ask: "Who absolutely CANNOT know?")
• Pressure them for updates ("Are you better yet?")
• Take responsibility for their healing (You're support, not savior)
Real Talk: Handling Your Own Emotions
After my first suicide intervention, I vomited from stress. This is hard. Essential self-care:
- Debrief with a counselor (many hotlines support helpers too)
- Write unsent letters to release fear/anger
- Set boundaries: "I can talk daily from 7-8pm, but need sleep after."
Frequently Asked Questions
What if they make me promise not to tell anyone?
Break that promise. Confidentiality doesn't apply when death is imminent. Say: "I care about you too much to keep this secret. Let's decide together who we notify."
Should I mention past suicide attempts if I have them?
Caution: Only if you're healed enough. Share briefly to show understanding, not to compare trauma. "I've been in dark places too. What helped me was..."
How often should I check in?
First month: Daily contact (even just "Thinking of you" texts). Months 2-3: Every 2-3 days. Adjust based on their crisis level.
What to say to someone who is suicidal by text?
Same principles, but add: "Can I call you right now?" Avoid complex sentences. Use voice notes if typing is hard. Send crisis links immediately.
When do I call 911?
Immediately if they have: • Active plan with means (pills, weapon) • Are intoxicated • Say "goodbye" messages
The Unspoken Truth
Sometimes, despite doing everything right, people still attempt suicide. My college friend did. For years I replayed our last conversation. Therapists finally helped me understand: Their choice isn't your responsibility. What matters is showing up with compassion in the messy now.
Knowing what to say to someone who is suicidal isn't about perfection. It's about leaning into discomfort with two powerful tools: "Help me understand" and "I'm here." That's how we keep each other alive.
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