Effective Performance Appraisals Guide: Strategies That Actually Work

Let's talk about performance appraisals. Yeah, I know. That phrase alone might make you groan. For too many people, it brings up images of dusty forms, awkward conversations, and feedback that feels useless or downright unfair. I've been on both sides – as an employee dreading "the talk," and later, as a manager struggling to make the process meaningful. Honestly? Most companies get it wrong. Way wrong. But here's the thing: when done well, these evaluations can actually be powerful tools for growth, clarity, and yes, even motivation. They don't have to be the soul-sucking corporate ritual everyone hates. So, how do we fix this? Let's dive in and unpack what makes performance appraisals work (and why most fail spectacularly).

What Exactly Are Performance Appraisals Supposed to Do? (Hint: It's Not Just HR Box-Ticking)

Cutting through the jargon, performance appraisals are basically structured conversations about someone's work. They should be about looking back at what happened, figuring out what it means, and planning where to go next. Simple, right? Then why does it feel so complicated? I remember working at this mid-sized tech firm years ago. Our annual review felt like a scavenger hunt for evidence just to fill out a 10-page form. What a waste. The *real* goals of effective performance appraisals are way more practical: * **Clarity:** Making sure you and your manager are on the same page about what success looks like for your role. No guessing games. * **Feedback:** Getting specific insights – the good, the bad, the "hey, maybe try it this way next time" – to help you improve. Actual useful stuff, not vague platitudes. * **Development:** Identifying skills you want to build or gaps you need to close. This is where growth happens. * **Alignment:** Connecting your daily grind to the bigger picture of what the team and company are trying to achieve. Feeling like your work matters? Priceless. * **Recognition:** Acknowledging your wins and contributions. Seriously, a genuine "good job" goes a long way. * **Decision Support:** Giving managers (somewhat) objective data to inform things like promotions, pay raises, or spotting future leaders.

The Classic Screw-Ups We All Know (and Mostly Hate)

Why do so many performance appraisal systems feel broken? Because they fall into predictable traps: * **The Annual Autopsy:** Waiting a whole year to talk about performance? By the time the review rolls around, that project you bombed (or nailed) in February is ancient history. Feedback needs to be timely to be useful. * **Form Over Function:** Focusing entirely on filling out complex HR templates instead of having a genuine conversation. I once spent 6 hours wrestling with a competency matrix that made zero sense to anyone outside HR. * **The Halo/Horns Effect:** Letting one recent event (good or bad) color the *entire* review. Made a big mistake last week? Suddenly your whole year looks terrible. Nailed a presentation? You walk on water. Humans are biased – it happens. * **Vagueness is King:** Feedback like "improve communication" or "be more proactive" is utterly useless. What does that *actually* mean? How do you *do* it? * **The Surprise Attack:** Springing negative feedback during the appraisal that was never mentioned before. That's just cruel and destroys trust. Never, ever do this. * **Ignoring the Conversation:** Treating the appraisal as a one-way lecture from manager to employee. It should be a dialogue, a chance for both sides to share perspectives.

Building Appraisals That Don't Suck: A Practical Guide

Okay, enough complaining. How do we make performance appraisals actually valuable? It's not rocket science, but it requires shifting focus away from bureaucracy and towards real human interaction focused on growth. Here's what needs to change:

Laying the Foundation: Performance Goals That Make Sense

Everything starts with clear expectations. You can't fairly assess someone if you haven't defined what "good" looks like. Forget vague annual goals buried in a document no one reads.

Set Goals That Work:

Specific: "Increase qualified sales leads" is better than "Improve sales." "Increase qualified sales leads from the website by 15% in Q3" is best.
Measurable: How will you *know* it's achieved? Numbers, percentages, deliverables – something tangible.
Achievable: Challenging is good, impossible is demoralizing. Be realistic about resources and capacity.
Relevant: Does this goal directly tie back to team or company objectives? If not, why is it a priority?
Time-Bound: When does it need to be done by? Deadlines create focus.

Seriously, take 15 minutes at the start of a project or quarter to get aligned on this. It saves hours of confusion and frustration later. And revisit them! Goals aren't set in stone. If priorities shift (which they always do), adjust the goals together. Don't wait for the formal review to say, "Oh, that thing we agreed on six months ago? Actually, it's irrelevant now."

Feedback: The Lifeblood (If Done Right)

Feedback shouldn't be a quarterly event. Think of it like watering a plant – little and often works much better than a deluge once a year that drowns the thing. Performance appraisals should summarize ongoing feedback, not introduce it for the first time. **What Good Feedback Looks Like:** * **Timely:** Talk about the presentation *right after* the presentation, while it's fresh. Don't save it up. * **Specific & Behavioral:** Instead of "You were unprofessional," try "During yesterday's meeting, when you interrupted Sarah three times while she was presenting her data, it disrupted the flow and may have made her feel unheard." Focus on observable actions. * **Balanced:** The classic "feedback sandwich" (good-bad-good) can feel manipulative. Aim for consistency. Recognize effort and wins genuinely and regularly, so when constructive feedback is needed, it doesn't feel like a total shock. * **Actionable:** "Your report was unclear" isn't helpful. "The executive summary section could be stronger by leading with the key recommendation upfront, rather than burying it on page 3," gives the person something concrete to work on. * **Focus on the Work, Not the Person:** "That analysis was inaccurate" vs. "You're bad at analysis." Big difference. **The Feedback Conversation Flow:** 1. **Set the Stage:** "Hey Pat, do you have 10 minutes? I wanted to chat briefly about the client demo this morning." 2. **Describe the Behavior:** "I noticed that when the client asked about the integration timeline, you referred them to appendix C instead of giving a direct summary." 3. **Explain the Impact:** "Because of that, the client looked a bit confused and started flipping through the document instead of staying focused on your main points. I think we missed an opportunity to reassure them clearly right then." 4. **Ask for Perspective:** "What was your thinking behind pointing them to the appendix?" 5. **Discuss & Agree on Action:** "Next time, maybe we start with a clear one-liner on timelines upfront? What do you think?" Or "Would it help to brainstorm a quick summary answer for that common question?" See? Not an interrogation, just a practical chat focused on doing better next time. Save the big picture discussions for the formal sit-down.

The Formal Sit-Down: Making the Performance Appraisal Conversation Count

This is where the ongoing feedback and goal tracking come together. Think of it as a strategic check-in, not a judgment day. **Preparation is Non-Negotiable (For Both Sides!):** * **Manager:** Review notes from feedback conversations, progress on goals, contributions made. Gather specific examples (good and areas for growth). Don't rely on memory! * **Employee:** Seriously, prepare! Reflect on your achievements, challenges faced, progress towards goals, feedback you've received, and what support or development you need. Jot down specific examples. What did *you* learn this cycle? What are you proud of? What frustrated you? Come with your own agenda. I always found writing down my thoughts beforehand stopped me from blanking when nervous. **Running the Actual Performance Appraisal Meeting:** * **Set the Tone:** Managers, start by confirming this is a two-way dialogue focused on growth and future success. Be open, be human. "Thanks for taking the time to prepare, Alex. I want this to be a useful conversation for both of us." * **Review Goals & Progress:** Go through each goal set at the start of the cycle. What was achieved? What wasn't? Why? Be honest and data-driven where possible. "So, goal 1 was launching the beta by March 1st. We hit that on February 28th, great job navigating those last-minute QA hurdles." "Goal 2 was reducing customer onboarding time. We aimed for 15%, we hit 8%. What were the blockers there?" * **Discuss Strengths & Contributions:** Shine a light on what went well. Be specific! "Your debugging skills saved Project Orion last month – that fix under pressure was impressive." Recognition matters. * **Address Development Areas:** Discuss opportunities for improvement constructively. Link it directly to observations and specific examples, not personality traits. "Remember that cross-functional meeting last month? I noticed you jumped in with a solution before letting Jamie finish presenting their team's constraints. Getting everyone's input fully before problem-solving might lead to better solutions." Then, *co-create* actions: "What support do you need to practice this? Maybe role-playing different scenarios?" It's not about blame, it's about building skills. * **Employee's Voice:** This is crucial. Dedicate significant time for the employee to share their perspective, feedback, concerns, and aspirations. Ask open questions: "How do you feel things have been going?" "What's been most challenging?" "What kind of projects do you want more of?" "How can I support you better?" Actually *listen*. * **Focus on the Future:** Shift gears. Based on everything discussed, what are the goals for the *next* period? What development opportunities exist? What resources are needed? What does the employee want to learn or achieve? "So, for the next quarter, given the new CRM rollout, what should our top 3 priorities be?" "You mentioned wanting leadership experience – how about mentoring the new intern on the data migration piece?" * **Wrap Up Clearly:** Summarize key agreements, next steps, support commitments, and goals moving forward. Send a written summary (briefly!) afterwards to ensure alignment. "Okay, so to recap: Goal 1 - Lead the CRM pilot group by August. Goal 2 - Complete the Advanced Excel course by end of next month. Goal 3 - Draft the new client proposal framework. I'll get you access to the leadership training portal by Friday. Sound right?"

The Dreaded Rating Scale: Necessary Evil or Absolute Nonsense?

Many performance appraisal systems force managers to assign a number (1-5) or a label ("Exceeds," "Meets," "Needs Improvement"). Let's be real: these often cause more pain than insight. I've seen brilliant teams torn apart by forced ranking systems. Managers hate assigning them, employees feel reduced to a number, and HR often struggles to defend the consistency.

Rating Scale Type	How It Works	Pros	Cons	My Verdict
Numeric (e.g., 1-5)	Assigns a numerical score based on defined criteria.	Simple to administer; easy to compare (on surface); required for some compensation formulas.	Highly subjective; creates false precision; encourages competition over collaboration; demoralizing for those not at the top.	Use with extreme caution. Focus should be on the conversation, not the number. Explain what the number means in practical terms.
Descriptive Labels (e.g., Exceeds, Meets, Below)	Uses predefined phrases to categorize performance level.	More nuance than numbers; slightly less reductive.	Managers often cluster around "Meets"; definitions can be vague; still feels like a label.	Better than numbers, but definitions MUST be crystal clear. Avoid too many levels.
Objectives-Based	Rating is purely on achievement of pre-set SMART goals.	Objective (if goals are good); clear link to results.	Ignores "how" goals were achieved (behaviors); misses contributions beyond listed goals.	Solid foundation, but MUST be combined with discussion of behaviors and competencies.
No Formal Rating	Focuses solely on narrative feedback and future goals.	Encourages richer conversation; avoids reductive labels; reduces anxiety.	Harder for HR/payroll systems; requires strong manager skill in delivering feedback; perceived as "fuzzy" by some.	My personal favorite, especially if paired with clear development plans. Needs strong organizational buy-in.

**The Bottom Line:** If you *must* use a rating, make damn sure managers are trained on how to apply it consistently and fairly. More importantly, the *conversation* explaining the rationale behind the rating is infinitely more valuable than the rating itself. Don't let the tail wag the dog.

Beyond the Basics: Modern Takes on Performance Appraisals

The annual review dinosaur is slowly going extinct (thank goodness). Forward-thinking companies are ditching rigidity for more fluid conversations. Let's look at some alternatives gaining traction.

Continuous Performance Management: Ditch the Annual Drama

This is the big shift. Instead of one big, scary annual performance appraisal, continuous performance management means having lighter, more frequent check-ins (think monthly or quarterly). These focus on: * Quick goal progress updates * Removing roadblocks * Giving/receiving bite-sized feedback * Adjusting priorities as needed * Discussing development in the moment It makes the formal review less about surprises and more about summarizing these ongoing chats. Feels less like a performance *appraisal* and more like natural performance *management*. Software (like Lattice, 15Five, Culture Amp) can help track goals and feedback between chats, but the core is the human conversation. I worked with a startup that switched to this – the sigh of relief from employees was audible.

360-Degree Feedback: Getting the Full Picture (Carefully!)

This involves gathering feedback about an employee from multiple sources – their manager, peers, direct reports (if any), and sometimes even customers or suppliers. The idea is to get a more rounded view than just the manager's perspective.

Important Note: 360 feedback is generally used for development only, NOT for performance appraisal ratings or compensation decisions. Making it evaluative kills psychological safety and honesty.

**How It Can Work:** * Employee selects 5-8 raters (manager usually approves). * Raters complete anonymous surveys focused on specific competencies/behaviors. * A trained facilitator compiles the feedback (ensuring anonymity for peers/reports). * Feedback is shared with the employee, often with a coach to help interpret it. * Insights feed into development planning. **Proceed with Caution:** Badly implemented 360s can be toxic. Anonymity can lead to harsh comments. If there's no trust in the organization, don't even try it. It needs training, clear purpose (development!), and strong support for the employee receiving the feedback. I've seen it build amazing self-awareness, and I've also seen it destroy morale. Tread carefully.

OKRs: Measuring What Matters

Objectives and Key Results (OKRs), popularized by Google, are a goal-setting framework separate from, but often integrated with, performance conversations. The key difference from traditional goals is the emphasis on measurable *outcomes* (Key Results) driven by ambitious, qualitative Objectives. * **Objective:** "Revolutionize the customer onboarding experience" (Qualitative, ambitious). * **Key Result 1:** "Reduce average time-to-first-value from 14 days to 7 days." * **Key Result 2:** "Achieve a customer onboarding satisfaction score (CSAT) of 90%." * **Key Result 3:** "Increase user activation rate (completing core setup) to 85%." Performance discussions can then focus on progress towards these OKRs and the *how* behind achieving them. It keeps the conversation strategic and outcome-focused.

The Employee Survival Guide: Navigating Your Performance Appraisal

Managers aren't the only ones who need to up their game. Employees, you have power and responsibility in this process too! Don't just be a passive recipient. Your performance appraisal is a platform to advocate for yourself. Here’s how to own it: * **Prep Like a Pro:** Don't walk in cold. Seriously, please don't. See above – gather your accomplishments, reflect on challenges, think about your goals and development desires. Track your wins throughout the year (a simple doc or note on your phone)! "Remember that project no one wanted? I took it on and delivered it ahead of schedule, saving the team X hours." Quantify your impact whenever possible. * **Be Honest (Tactfully):** If you faced obstacles, talk about them. "The timeline for Project X was tight because we lost two team members unexpectedly." Don't just complain – focus on how you navigated it or what support could have helped. "Getting access to the premium data feed earlier would have sped up analysis significantly." * **Ask for What You Need:** This is your chance! Need training? Want exposure to a different area? Need clearer priorities or less frequent context switching? Ask. "I'd really like to develop my project management skills. Would sponsoring me for the PMP certification be possible?" or "Could we discuss delegating some of the recurring report generation to free up time for deeper analysis?" * **Seek Specific Feedback:** Don't settle for vague comments. If your manager says "Good job," ask "What specifically worked well?" If they say "Improve communication," ask "Can you share an example where it fell short, and what better might look like?" Get actionable insights. * **Discuss Your Future:** Where do *you* want to go? Talk about your career aspirations. "Long-term, I'm interested in moving into a team lead role. What skills or experiences should I focus on building in the next year to move towards that?" * **Take Notes & Follow Up:** Jot down key agreements, next steps, and commitments during the meeting. Send a brief recap email afterward: "As discussed, my focus for Q3 will be on A, B, and C. You agreed to look into X training course by next week, and I'll schedule the kickoff for Project Y. Please let me know if I missed anything." This creates accountability.

Tech Tools: Can Software Save Performance Appraisals?

Ah, the promise of technology. There's a whole industry of performance management software (often bundled in HRIS platforms). They *can* help, but they aren't magic. Don't expect software to fix a fundamentally broken process. **What Good Tools Can Do:** * **Goal Tracking:** Make setting, updating, and monitoring goals visible and easy (OKR software is great for this). * **Feedback Sharing:** Facilitate peer recognition or quick feedback notes between people. Some integrate with Slack/Teams. * **Check-in Reminders:** Ping managers and employees to schedule those regular chats. * **Review Form Management:** Store templates, manage workflows (approvals), and keep records. * **Pulse Surveys:** Gauge employee sentiment on various topics anonymously. * **360-Degree Feedback:** Administer and compile multi-rater feedback efficiently (if done carefully!). **The Pitfalls:** * **Compliance Over Culture:** If managers just see it as another compliance task ("gotta fill out the form in the system"), nothing improves. The tool amplifies the existing culture, good or bad. * **Over-Engineering:** Complex workflows and overly detailed forms defeat the purpose. Keep it simple. * **Data Silos:** Feedback trapped in a system no one looks at is useless. Insights need to fuel conversations. **Popular Options (Worth a Look, But Do Your Homework):**

Tool Type	Examples	Best For	Approx. Cost (Per User/Month)	Watch Out For
Dedicated Performance Suites	Lattice, 15Five, Culture Amp, Reflektive	Companies serious about continuous performance management, feedback, engagement surveys.	$4 - $12+	Can be pricey; ensure adoption beyond HR.
HRIS Modules	Workday HCM, SAP SuccessFactors, Oracle HCM Cloud, BambooHR	Companies wanting performance tied to core HR data (comp, succession) within one system.	Bundled (often complex pricing)	Modules can be clunky; focus often leans administrative.
Goal & OKR Specific	Weekdone, Gtmhub, Ally.io (Microsoft Viva Goals)	Teams laser-focused on aligning and tracking Objectives & Key Results.	$5 - $10+	May lack robust feedback/compensation features.
Simple Feedback/Pulse	Officevibe, TINYpulse	Quick pulse checks, anonymous feedback, recognition.	$3 - $5+	Lacks depth for full performance cycle management.

**My Take:** Use tech to *enable* and *simplify* the human conversation, not replace it. The best performance appraisal process is one where the software fades into the background, supporting the real work of dialogue and development.

Answering Your Burning Questions About Performance Appraisals

Let's tackle some common questions I hear all the time. These are the real head-scratchers people search for. **Q: How often should performance appraisals happen? Is annual really dead?** A: Annual reviews alone just don't cut it anymore. Best practice leans heavily towards **continuous performance management**. This means: * **Frequent, informal check-ins:** Manager and employee talk regularly (e.g., weekly 1-on-1s, monthly chats). This is where real-time feedback, goal adjustment, and roadblock removal happen. Think of it as maintenance. * **A more formal summary conversation:** This might happen quarterly, bi-annually, or yes, still annually. But crucially, this formal review *summarizes* the ongoing conversations and feedback from the year/period. No surprises! The focus shifts from judgment to review, reflection, and future planning. So, the annual *event* might still exist, but it's built on a foundation of continuous dialogue, not an isolated high-stakes nightmare. Annual-only is on life support. **Q: Should performance appraisals be directly tied to salary increases?** A: This is a minefield, honestly. Tying them tightly *feels* logical ("good performance = more money"), but it creates massive problems: * **Skewed Conversations:** The discussion becomes solely about justifying a number, not genuine development. Employees focus on arguing for a raise, managers focus on defending a budget. * **Avoidance of Tough Feedback:** Managers might avoid giving constructive criticism if they fear it will damage morale or derail the pay discussion. * **Inflexibility:** Strict formulas often fail to account for market adjustments, retention needs, or roles where impact is harder to quantify (like internal support). * **The "Meets Expectations" Trap:** If most people cluster here, does "meets" get a raise? If not, it feels punitive. If yes, budgets explode. **A Better Approach (Harder, But Worth It):** 1. **Separate Timing:** Hold development-focused performance appraisals at one point in the year. Discuss compensation adjustments at a different time (based on company budgets, market data, and *aggregated* performance data). 2. **Loosen the Strings:** Use performance as *a* factor (often a significant one) in comp decisions, but not the *only* factor. Include market positioning, critical skills, internal equity, and retention risk. Make the process transparent. 3. **Train Managers:** Help them explain compensation decisions clearly and empathetically, referencing the performance feedback given earlier. **Q: What should I do if I strongly disagree with my performance appraisal?** A: It happens, and it feels awful. Don't panic, but don't ignore it either. * **Process First:** Check your company policy. There's usually a formal appeals process requiring you to submit your disagreement in writing within a specific timeframe. Document everything meticulously. * **Request a Follow-Up Meeting:** Ask your manager for a dedicated time to discuss your concerns respectfully. "I received the review summary. I'd like to schedule some time to walk through a few areas where my perspective differs, specifically regarding X and Y." * **Bring Evidence:** Go back to your prep notes and track record. Use specific examples, data, emails, project outcomes, or peer feedback to counter the points you disagree with. "The review states I missed the deadline on Project Z. My records show it was delivered on June 15th, as agreed during our check-in on June 1st, when the scope was reduced. Here's the email confirmation." * **Focus on Facts, Not Emotion:** It's hard, but stick to observable events and outcomes. "I understand the perception that I wasn't collaborative on Task ABC. From my view, I sent three emails requesting input from the design team over two weeks and didn't receive feedback until the day before the deadline. Perhaps we need a clearer process for cross-team requests?" * **Seek a Second Opinion (Carefully):** If direct discussion with your manager fails, and your company has a policy allowing it, you might involve HR or your manager's boss. Frame it as seeking clarity and fairness, not just complaining. "I've discussed my concerns directly with [Manager], but we haven't been able to resolve the discrepancy regarding Project X. Could HR help facilitate a further review of the evidence?" * **Know When to Move On (or Out):** Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you hit a wall. If the appraisal stands and you feel it's fundamentally unjust or damaging your career prospects within the company, it might be time to consider your options elsewhere. Document everything for your records. **Q: How can small businesses handle performance appraisals without a big HR department?** A: Small businesses often do this better by default because communication is usually closer! Forget complex HR software and 30-page forms. Keep it lean and human: 1. **Focus on Conversations:** Schedule regular (monthly/quarterly) 1-on-1s. These *are* the performance appraisal process. Talk goals, progress, feedback, support. Keep notes simply (shared doc?). 2. **Simple Goal Setting:** Use a shared spreadsheet or doc with SMART goals for each person. Review and update it together in your chats. 3. **Feedback Culture:** Encourage everyone to give and receive feedback informally and directly. As the owner/leader, model this constantly. 4. **Annual Reflection:** Once a year, have a slightly longer meeting summarizing the year's conversations, wins, challenges, and setting goals for next year. Maybe use a simple one-page template prompting these topics. 5. **Leverage Free/Low-Cost Tools:** Google Docs/Sheets, Trello, Asana, or simple survey tools (like Google Forms) for quick anonymous pulse checks if needed. Don't overcomplicate it. 6. **Development Matters:** Even without big budgets, focus on development – stretch assignments, mentorship within the team, finding relevant free/cheap online courses. Show you're invested in growth. **Q: What legal pitfalls should employers avoid with performance appraisals?** A: Oh, this is crucial. Messy performance appraisals can land you in hot water. Major red flags: * **Inconsistency:** Applying standards differently to similar employees, especially if it relates to protected characteristics (age, gender, race, disability, etc.). This screams discrimination risk. Document fairly and train managers. * **Lack of Documentation:** No written record of performance issues, feedback given, or improvement plans. If you need to discipline or terminate later, you'll have zero paper trail to support a legitimate business reason. Performance appraisals are key evidence! But only if they are honest and consistent. * **Defamation:** Avoid false statements or exaggerated criticisms written in the appraisal that could damage someone's reputation. Stick to observable facts and behaviors documented throughout the year. Don't write anything you wouldn't be comfortable defending in court. * **Retaliation:** Never give someone a negative review because they complained about harassment, discrimination, safety issues, or took protected leave (FMLA, etc.). This is a massive legal violation. * **Ignoring Accommodations:** If an employee has a documented disability requiring accommodation, failing to consider how that impacts performance or denying reasonable requests related to the appraisal process itself can be problematic. * **Promises in Writing:** Be extremely cautious about putting definitive promises (like guaranteed promotions or specific raises) in an appraisal document unless you are 100% certain you can deliver. If circumstances change, it can create breach-of-contract claims. **Always:** Consult with an employment attorney to review your performance appraisal process and documentation practices, especially if you're a manager or business owner. It's cheaper than a lawsuit.

Wrapping It Up: It's About People, Not Paperwork

Look, at the end of the day, performance appraisals are just a tool. A tool for having better conversations that help people understand their contributions, feel valued, learn, grow, and see how their work fits into the bigger picture. When they become bureaucratic exercises focused on forms, ratings, and compliance, they fail. They become the dreaded thing everyone hates. The shift isn't easy. It requires managers to develop coaching skills, employees to take ownership of their development, and organizations to prioritize genuine dialogue over administrative ease. We need to ditch the annual autopsies and embrace continuous, human-centered feedback. We need to separate development conversations (mostly) from compensation decisions to keep them honest. We need to focus on future potential as much as past results. Is it worth the effort? Absolutely. Imagine a workplace where people actually look forward to their check-ins because they feel heard and supported. Where feedback is welcomed as a gift, not feared as a weapon. Where growth isn't just a buzzword on a poster, but something actively discussed and enabled. That's the power of getting performance appraisals right. It’s not about the review; it’s about building the kind of workplace where people – and the business – can truly thrive. Let's stop doing them *to* people and start doing them *with* people. That’s the real deal.